The thing I love most about a Monday morning, is that for me, it the time to set all my targets and objectives for the coming week and plan for when it all needs to be done. This strangely fills me with excitement, I love challenges and having a lot to do.
It is also a time for reflecting on the past week and seeing how I did in relation to those tasks. Usually, I can see that my targets were a little bit unrealistic….but why not reach for stars in personal achievement?
So one of this week’s targets was to arrange to go to a presentation skills workshop (finally). I’ve been saying that I need to do this for the past few weeks and conveniently not doing it. But now it is arranged. So I can expect the usual fear, being made to do presentations, exploring why I hate them and why I try to avoid them. This session though, I’m hoping will provide a little more on the technical side. I’m known for my often overwhelming hand gestures. I don’t use my hands much when I talk, but as soon as I get on stage, I’m practically doing the YMCA. I am also far too reliant on my notes and I cling to them like my life source.
So next week 21st, I am attending. I also picked out some other sessions, I might quite like to go to. It has been a while, since I’ve completed reports, so I’m going off my previous knowledge from years ago. A refresher might be useful. I’ve also suggested that my team should have a look at the other sessions, as I think they could really benefit the team, making everyone have a certain level of knowledge that can be brought back within the team to make our project work better.
Another aspect of this morning, which relates to my Daria picture, is I collected my Insights Profile this morning. I can honestly say I’ve never read anything, that sums me up better, than these ten sheets of paper. It had an element of hard hitting honesty, but every single thing, I agreed with. I will go into these in deeper reflections later, but my take away message (typical for me to discount all the positive and jump straight into the negative analysis) was this idea of “aloof” and “unemotional”.
Ironically, the profile, said that would be the bit I honed in on and would question and reflect on the most, which obviously I am doing. There are many aspects of my personality that I have tried to change in order to work better and the profile was good at showing some of my weakness, that possibly come to the fore when unchecked. However, some of the negatives, due to my self-awareness, I’m able to realise this is within me and I can act in a different way. Again, I will go into more detail at a later date. But this element of aloof and unemotional, remains a concrete block of my personality. I’ve asked for feedback on it previously and it is something that no matter how hard I try, is commented on. My parents used to always comment on my controlled, unemotional nature as a child and growing up. I just have full control of my emotions and I don’t really “feel” things too much. Maybe the right phrasing is I separate feelings away……I always feel they are burried away. But I don’t think that is always a bad thing.
But the aloof element, I try so hard to be inclusive and to speak, so I’m always blind sighted when it comes up. A recent ocassion was when I went on a date, with my current boyfriend Jackson, whom I really liked. It was our first proper date. I spent the whole time, just being me and making a huge effort. However, Jackson has since commented, that I came across disinterested, aloof and like I wanted to be elsewhere. It is strange, that I can feel so differently on the inside and yet, portray the complete opposite unintentionally.
Consequently, this makes me question, what I’m bring perceived like now? My friends and people who know me, embrace my aloof nature and I’m known for being quirky. I guess, they accept me as I am, so I never have the opportunity to consider if it is an issue or not. I remember another occasion when I was in Enactus Newcastle. I’m not really into business/work and socialising. I portray a different side with the people who I know and keep them separate. Hence I don’t really socialise professionally….a downfall I know as networking is key. (but i HATE networking with a passion….i always feel so awkward.) But within Enactus, I “thought” I was socialising but I event got feedback, from my lovely friend Sophie (the much valued voice of brutual honesty – in fact I’ve learnt more about myself working along side Sophie, than anyone else), that I didn’t put enough effort in with the social side, seemed detached and uninterested, which was compounding the view I was aloof. I corrected my behaviour and put ALOT more effort in and reaped the rewards, but it felt very much, I had to really not only compromise, but be someone else, for a while to get them onside.
Why I’ve picked Daria here, is when I was growing up, she was the cartoon character I identified with the most. Awkward, detached, abit weird, not concerned about being liked, socially ridiculous…..and I used to watch it as a teen and think, that is me and feel a sense of acceptance. The older I get, the more frustrated I get, that THIS is how I’m perceived.
The more it is said negectively towards me, the more confused I am by it, the more impossible it seems to change and the more I worry it will effect me in the long term within my business.
But hopefully, I can take the questionnaire as a whole and learn from it.